Wednesday, December 9, 2009

post #24

I spend about $150 a month on groceries...
and this bike is worth slightly more than that. had I not been on my way to a job interview, I would have lifted it right off of the U and ridden it into the city. just because your bike can buy me a month of groceries, doesn't mean you shouldn't lock it up properly. this is what I like to call a Copperfield lock-job. yes, I like a magic show and that is just what this is. although, I don't see the magic in lifting a bike off of a U. while I'd like to assume this rider is a) blind, b) over the age of 95 and/or c) David Copperfield... I have to simply assume that they were in a big hurry and didn't notice that their bike isn't really locked up. any would-be swiper could walk right by and a) cut the cable, b) lift the bike off of the U and attempt to ride it home w/ the cables stuck in the tires and/or c) set a hat out in front of the bike and perform a magic show for all of the kiddies in the neighborhood. what should this rider do next time? slide their u-lock around the U and then use their cable to secure the wheels. NEXT!!!

they say finding a 4-leaf clover is rare... but even more rare is seeing a cable and a chain and a min-u lock used in sync with one another. most of the time I pass right by cable lock-jobs, but this was a combo that gave me a little twinkle in the eye. not only did this rider take the time to use their chain to secure down their frame and front wheel, they also used a cable and mini-u lock for the rear tire. while a would-be swiper could cut the cable and swipe the rear wheel... they would have to break some spokes to remove that mini-u on the back. I personally carry a mid-sized u-lock and the mini-u lock from my chain when I feel extremely lazy. it works well enough to deter the swiper from attempting to swipe anything. what could this biker do to make their lock-job even better? pull up the slack in their chain. NEXT!!!

Monday, December 7, 2009

post #23

I've only had my heart broken twice...
and today might very well have been the third time. [sigh] as I was minding my own business walking to the pet store to buy dog food for my Pound Puppy®, I came across this. [sigh] love is a such a hard thing to find and when we find our bikes that take us all around the city and they love us so much, all that bike wants in return is a little love and maybe some lube for its chain. this rider performed what I like to refer to as the heartbreaker lock-job. this is when they do what is far worse than cheating on their bike... they leave it outside for some pimp to scoop up and offer to some other hopeless sap looking for love... thus, breaking it's heart. [sigh] while I was tempted to time myself (since I just so happened to be wearing a watch on my wrist) swiping this bike, I decided it was in my best interest to not attempt it given the large parking cop giving out tickets across the street and a little to the right, who you cannot see in this photo. in no way, shape or form is the cop across the street at all affiliated with the security of the bike. in any event, all the would-be swiper would have to do to swipe this heartbroken bike is pull the quick release and swipe the bike. what should this rider consider doing next time? 1) go to couples couseling because clearly they have issues w/ their bike, 2) tattoo their name on the bike and their bike's serial number on their arm (true love is in inking) and/or 3) use the u-lock to secure the bike so at least they will loose both of their tires and not the the whole bike minus their front wheel. NEXT!!!

your eyes are not playing tricks on you...
that is in fact a bike lock. I just so happened to be in a Brooklyn-based bike shop ordering new parts to pimp out my newest 2-wheel addition to my home when I noticed this young man's bike lock. naturally, I asked him if he was using his computer lock to lock his bike up and he responded that not only was he using it to secure his bike, but that he had borrowed it from his 90-yr old grandfather. where does the bikeswiper even begin in a circumstance like this? I congratulated him on 1) taking the initative to lock up his bike, 2) picking out such a slim, sturdy looking lock, 3) pulling a fast one on an elderly man. of course I then explained to him that 1) a 4-yr old girl from the Bronx could swipe his bike in a heartbeat if he used that lock and 2) he should consider selling that lock to a vintage bike shop in Williamsburg because those damn hipster kids would kill for such a cool looking vintage cable lock that is like new. I took him through all of the locks and explained to him what works and what doesn't. so what did he do? he bought the Pinhead® and walked out w/ his 90-yr old grandfather's lock. what should he have done? bought any of the available locks in the store instead of the solar powered lights for his bike. NEXT!!!

you can try to take the crack out of brooklyn... but you can never try to take the crack away from my faux super. the sign in front of my building (as seen above) is by far the best and most exciting part of my on-going unemployment. as you can see, that sign has been yanked out of the ground and planted back in several times. what you can also see is that there appears to be a motorized wheelchair chained to the sign, covered with 1/2 of a black trashbag and secured down with an abundance of masking tape. this is definitely a lock-job you don't see everyday. what really seals the deal is the fact that any would-be swiper would most likely not make it too far because of the slashed tires. what was my faux crack-addicted super planning on doing with this motorized wheelchair? well... I saw him trying to fix and then ride it away but he failed. he passes in my book because everybody noticed it and everybody would have told a would-be swiper to not waste his time. what should he do next time? kick the crack and offer to be security detail for the elderly up on Prospect Park West... huge wheelchair theft problems up there from what I've heard. NEXT!!!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

post #22

the school for the visually impaired is located on 23rd street...
not Houston. I'm sure you are wondering what about this photo brings up the visually impaired. well to start off with, without squinting you can probably see that the only thing secured to to that tree aside from it's own mother nature-given roots are the handlebars of this bike. it doesn't take a rocket scientist to walk by this visually impaired lock-job to realize that clearly the [assumed] visually impaired rider who locked it up had to have been well... visually impaired. all it takes is a simple hex to unscrew the stem and take the entire bike. sure, I would say that the average swiper would easily use their convenient garden shears to slice right through that fancy K-Mart® chain... but if the swiper isn't visually impaired, they will take out their handy dandy Park Tool® bike wrench and do what this visually impaired rider is begging for them to do. what should this visually impaired rider do next time? 1) put his/her contacts in before going out for a ride, 2) take a big crap in front of their bike to scare would-be swipers away from such a tempting swipe and/or 3) loop their crappy K-Mart® chain through a wheel and the frame then around the tree. NEXT!!!

SoHo is normally famous for Europeans bustling down the streets gwaking at crap on the sidewalks they can buy in NYC... however, what they probably tend to not notice is the high tech security SoHo riders have on those very same sidewalks. this lock-job is the best I've swiped all week long. not only did this rider do an amazingly awesome job securing their frame and both wheels down, but they managed to park the bike right behind a very friendly-looking Asian (or Russian... I couldn't really tell) street vendor... who just stares at only 2 things the entire day: 1) an overabundance of scarves my mother would kill for and 2) the bikes secured to that bike U. naturally as I stopped to analyze this divine lock-jobs, so did many tourist which further proved to excite the high tech security detail on this lock-job. I wonder what the heck is the deal with these Europeans... I mean... I could drop a cup on the sidewalk and stare at it and they would all take pictures of it. oh wait a second here... I think I just thought of a new job for myself that could pay better than unemployment in tips! hmmmm... ok, so what should this rider consider in the future? double-stick tape on the surface of their saddle because that is the second easiest way to help their high tech security catch a scarf blowing away. NEXT!!!

Friday, November 27, 2009

please hold your breath

I'm off on vacation and will return soon. please come back again, soon ;)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

post #21

even Pee Wee Herman used a better lock to secure his bike...
or so he used about 200-ft of chains which under the circumstances of not being a movie, would have taken the swiper at least an hour to cut through all of the chains that kept his baby locked down. sure, we all know that Pee Wee Herman's bike got stolen, but it was an inside job and a movie. what I really want to talk about in this photo is that girl in the background. who the hell is she? I stood in traffic until I got honked at by a Chinese man in a white van labeled "Oriental Repair." yes, there are too many things wrong with just that, but I'd really like to shift my focus back to this girl. who is she? after staring at her for awhile and after her giving me a very strange look them quickly walking away, I was able to come up with the following possibilities behind her true identity: a) a teenage informant for the FBI (they recruit young these days, or so I read on Craiglist), b) John Travolta's daughter (the first teenage girl to pop into my head that could have been standing there), c) the bike's owner's little sister (he/she must pay her in quarters to stand there all night kinda like a parking meter, but way more personable), d) a teenage tourist from Germany (she said something that was not in Russian, Hebrew, Spanish or Irish). I concluded that she had absolutely nothing to do with the bike. duh. while this rider was semi-smart to pick a prime high traffic location to lock up their bike, they miserably fail on my scale because of their K-Mart® special cable lock. what should this rider do next time? rent Pee Wee's Big Adventure... maybe then they will at least learn how to chain their bike up better than cabling it down to a street sign. NEXT!!!

I was silently cumming on the sidewalk as I walked in the wrong direction and stumbled across... this hot bondage lock-job. look at the size and length of that chain. makes you wanna dig out your own toys, put the swing up and call over a few friends, no? not only did it stir up sexual feelings in me, but the added bonus of the Nuts4Nuts truck watching over this blue balled set of wheels made me hungry for some warm street-roasted nuts which after swiping this photo... I walked 4-blocks north to discover a man whole sold me a sack of his warm roasted nuts for the bargain price of just $1. what's missing from this lock-job? some bondage for that seat. what could this rider to in the future? either 1) take a piece of an old bicycle tube and loop it through the seat the the bracket... you really don't have to put the fancy chain in there as most people see it and just assume it is secured down or 2) melt some candle wax, fill the sprocket hole and color it in w/ a black sharpie so it appears as though you can't steal the seat. the economy is in a recession and these cheap tricks ought to work like a charm. in any event, this rider did a grade A lock-job here and if I saw him/her on the street, I'd absolutely hop off my own bike and attempt to grind on his/her leg. wait, that sounds sick and dirty and just wrong. NEXT!!!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

post #20

stop squinting so hard trying to figure it out...
that is in fact not the leaning tower of Pisa. what that is, is in fact a midget lock-job. you see, midget riders are nothing like taller riders on the roads. they have great difficulty reaching both their pedals and handlebars. it is a luxury we all take for granted. how was I able to determine that this was a "midget lock-job"? clearly, they needed a crappy-ass cable that would enable enough slack that a midget could lock and unlock the bike. you see how it leans so far over, close enough to the ground like so [look at picture]. what should this rider consider doing next time? well, for starters, if they are going to use a crappy-ass cable? 1) include a note that says, "please sharpen your garden shears before swiping to avoid injury," 2) make it a little bit harder for other would-be midget swipers to swipe by pulling up the slack a bit on the cable so it sits higher and/or 3) buy a real lock. NEXT!!!

it's not everyday I walk outside of my apartment and see a fight like this... after about 1 minute I decided to swipe the red bike w/ one of my new handy dandy tags after declaring it the winner. and you thought Sylvester Stallone was awesome in Over the Top. while most people would say that neither the wheels or saddle are properly locked down, I would slap them across the back of the head for not seeing the obvious here. the rider of the red bike was clearly smart enough to pull of the good ol' "decoy lock-job." this type of lock-job requires another bike which has clearly been beaten and swiped from locked up on the ground next to it... case in point... the blue bike. a would-be swiper will automatically think either a) there is a swipe in progress or b) clearly there was nothing worth stealing off of the red bike to even mess w/ it. red bike you win my heart today. NEXT!!!

back in action!

I've been away for the past few weeks, I mean months...
polishing the blinds in my apartment. that is what the unemployed do w/ their day. after a nice boot in the ass from many swiper fans (thank you, thank you), I have made my tags and added swiping to my daily duties which also happen to include: counting import cars driving by my front window, scaring the pigeons off of my balcony, catching up on The Price Is Right, mastering the art of burning grilled cheese in the oven and playing w/ fake animals. my tags are done. they are ready for you. hit me up and I will chuck some your way. while my father would be telling me to get a job... my mother would be encouraging me to go out and make new friends. and so... let the swiping... resume! NEXT!!!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

post #19

there is a big difference between the kyrptonite that Superman is allergic to...
and the company that makes bike locks which just so happens to be called Kryptonite®. what we have here is a great example of 14-yr olds (Im just assuming and apologize if they actually belong to a 40-yr old who is trying to be young again) who really need to learn the difference between the two. yes, this is exactly what it appears to be... a "dumb f*ck" lock job. I pondered if I was supposed to be scared of the "kryptonite" licorice lock (which was doing nothing more than decorating the handlebars) but then quickly decided that there were really only 2 explanations as to why these bikes were just sitting on the sidewalk w/ no 14-yr olds in plain sight: either a) they were hiding in the bushes and getting ready to jump me if I swiped their rides or b) Superman gave them a beatdown and tossed them into space thus leaving the bikes exposed on the sidewalk as seen above. what should these 14-yr old boys have done? perhaps not assumed that the kyrptonite around one of the bikes would be enough to fend off a would-be swiper and either a) maybe use their crappy piece of kryptonite licorice lock or b) invest in some sort of u-lock. NEXT!!!

that is not pricey dental floss... but it is a pricey cable lock that is not really securing down this bike as well as it could be. ok, so you are looking at it and thinking that it looks locked down, right? it is, but I think it could be done better, how? they should use the u-lock on the frame and then run the cable through both wheels. the sign was pretty sturdy in the ground, so bonus points for that. don't forget to floss tonight... oh and, that's a pretty darn nice rack ;) NEXT!!!

the only thing that makes me happier than watching elderly women cross the street is coming across a grade A lock job. good enough that my elderly grandmother would offer this rider two pieces of hard candy from the candy dish! while I am not a fan of the parking meter method (too much girth for smaller and easier to tote around u-locks)... they get props for using a u-lock to properly secure their frame and both wheels. the only thing that really confused me... was the fact that their seat was resting nearly on the top tube which lead me to assume the following about this rider: a) they are shorter than 5'5", b) they might not own an allen wrench and/or c) they do not have balls because if they did... those suckers would be in for quite the bouncy ride. you go girl! NEXT!!!

Monday, August 31, 2009

post #18

very few lock jobs make me squirm... and this is one that still has me sliding around on my chair w/ excitement. clearly we have to riders that are either a) meant for each other and just don't know it yet, b) 2 gay men who rock my world w/ matching lock jobs or c) a sting operation in midtown. it doesn't get any better than this. not only did they use the u-locks in the front, but they used the chain in the back to secure down their frame, back wheel AND saddle. something new to me which I had never thought of before. it appears as though they locked their mini-u from the chain through the saddle instead of slipping the chain on through. the only way a would-be swiper could mastermind this scenario would be a power saw and a huge set of balls. NEXT!!!
—submitted by Paul in Midtown

most people assume that you can only use a u-lock to lock down their bikes. however, if you take a look at this lock job, you can clearly see that you can use them for other things! not only did this ride secure their bike to a parking meter (which I am not a huge fan of doing), but they also decided to secure their older-than-my-niece basket down w/ a u-lock. if you have the space to do it, why not?!? you can also take note that they are helping out the locals by collecting leaves on the street. this lock job is like finding a prize in the cereal box circa 2009. so perfectly locked down AND they did a little bit extra just because they could. NEXT!!!

there must be a ton of shit on the streets that is worth quite a bit of money... like this bike. while it appears as though it would be found in a pile of abandoned bikes in the lower east side, clearly somebody still loves this gem. while a cable lock is not the most ideal and swiper-proof method to secure a bike down, they do get props for a) securing the front wheel and frame down w/ the u-lock, b) then swinging the cable to and through their rear end and c) bonus points for locking on top of some sucker who locked their bike up by only one wheel. only suggestion I can make on this lock job? wrapping that fantastically cushioned saddle w/ an ugly plastic bag to deter some hipster from helping themselves to a "retro" looking saddle. NEXT!!!

what is the easiest thing you can do to tempt somebody to f*ck your bike up?
acquiring this sticker. sure, when I first started riding I had thought of doing something like this because I thought it was hy-ster-ical... however I quickly learned that Bikesnob and the rest of the real biking community do not approve of this tactic. this sticker just draws more attention to the hipster who paid $4 for the sticker and then stuck in on their top tube in an attempt to scare would-be swipers away. what should you do if you come across this bike? invest in Oscar Meyar® bologna and a folding chair, wrap the bike in bologna, swipe some Vaseline® beneath your eyes, on the bridge of your nose and all over your forehead... then wait for this rider to come out and evaluate just how effective their sticker is; please be sure to have health insurance before testing this out. NEXT!!!
—submitted by Klemons in Brooklyn

apparently this corner in brooklyn is just dumb f*ck prone. yet again, I found myself on the same corner (because it is after all, on my way to the subway) where I last spotted my first ever documented "dumb f*ck lock job." again, I stood on this corner looking like a complete brooklyn whore (canteen, tote bag, enormous camera and 4" red patent leather high heels) while waiting for this dumb f*ck to show their face. afte 5-minutes and quite a few elderly folk giving me the stink eye, I decided to swipe a photo and move about my day. now the only reasons I could muster up as to why this dumb f*ck pulled off the "dumb f*ck lock job" in an effort to have their bike stolen were a) they were angry over the fact that their tires didn't match perfectly in age, b) their saddle kept rubbing their balls in a very rough kinda way, c) they were an undercover cop or d) some pimp was trying to lure me into his circle. what should this rider do next time around? maybe place a sticker on the bike that says, "belongs to the post office. tampering w/ this bike can result in a beat-down by your local mailman. don't f*ck w/ the feds." NEXT!!!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

post #17

if I were ever to get into a drunken brawl, these are the last handlebars I'd want stuck up my rear end. you see, what I don't get is how these handlebars are supposed to function. the top 3 things I can think of are 1) back scratcher, 2) secret deadly ninja weapon or 3) drying rack for pricey bras. my grandfather would win the argument that even w/ age, things still work or rust for that matter as this bike has been sitting at this spot for a month now. sure this OnGuard® chain lock is pretty well rusted to a near death, but the rider used it properly! woo hoo! in addition to securing both wheels and their frame down, they've got the ol' tubejob done up top. what could this rider have done better? picked up a can of chrome spray paint and disguised the age/neglect of their chain. NEXT!!!

I've lost all faith in crack heads, especially the one who [while posing as my super] goes through my garbage by morning and fixes bikes [in our basement] while smoking crack by night. now here we have a great example of how to lock up a bike but not really. what makes this lock job ingenious in my opinion? every last component just so happens to be rusted onto one another. even if I tempted fate and attempted to spend my unemployment activity of the day removing components, I'm pretty sure the crack pipe or broken fan blade found in the basement might scare myself (or a would-be swiper far, far away). what should this biker do next time? not a thing! nobody can do anything w/ this piece of shit so he he golden just kickstanding it out front. NEXT!!!

my week is not complete unless I come across a bike that looks like a blind man locked it up and
that is JUST what this is! while looking to park my own set of 2-wheels, I walked right on by this bike, then did my bikeswiper double-take and diagnosed the blind man lock job. yup, while you think this is locked up by a cable, it is in fact... not. what is locked up here? the front wheel and the frame. what isn't locked down here? the frame w/ the front wheel and the rear wheel. what should this rider do next time? wear some glasses, invest in a u-lock and double check that their Trek® is registered w/ their local precinct. NEXT!!!

this is the saddest thing I've seen all week
. what you have here is proof that the world is full of douchebags. I mean, who the hell goes after the front wheel of a 25-yr old bike? a real douchebag who wants to prove a point to a not-so-smart rider who just so happened to not lock their bike up properly. what should this rider do next time? first, buy a new front wheel, cause they help and then perhaps learn to use their chain properly. NEXT!!!
—submitted by Lopez in Brooklyn

there are many things on the streets of NYC which are not locked up properly
in addition to bikes and this wheel chair is a perfect example. I'm gonna go ahead and assume that the elderly person who isn't pictured in this chair might be wandering lost somewhere in NYC. such a shame. what should this elderly person have done to secure their 4-wheels? a) stayed in their chair, b) invested in a few u-locks or a chain, c) locked the f*cking thing down or d) invested in a Life Line so the authorities could promptly locate the missing chair. NEXT!!!