post #23

I've only had my heart broken twice... and today might very well have been the third time. [sigh] as I was minding my own business walking to the pet store to buy dog food for my Pound Puppy®, I came across this. [sigh] love is a such a hard thing to find and when we find our bikes that take us all around the city and they love us so much, all that bike wants in return is a little love and maybe some lube for its chain. this rider performed what I like to refer to as the heartbreaker lock-job. this is when they do what is far worse than cheating on their bike... they leave it outside for some pimp to scoop up and offer to some other hopeless sap looking for love... thus, breaking it's heart. [sigh] while I was tempted to time myself (since I just so happened to be wearing a watch on my wrist) swiping this bike, I decided it was in my best interest to not attempt it given the large parking cop giving out tickets across the street and a little to the right, who you cannot see in this photo. in no way, shape or form is the cop across the street at all affiliated with the security of the bike. in any event, all the would-be swiper would have to do to swipe this heartbroken bike is pull the quick release and swipe the bike. what should this rider consider doing next time? 1) go to couples couseling because clearly they have issues w/ their bike, 2) tattoo their name on the bike and their bike's serial number on their arm (true love is in inking) and/or 3) use the u-lock to secure the bike so at least they will loose both of their tires and not the the whole bike minus their front wheel. NEXT!!!


your eyes are not playing tricks on you... that is in fact a bike lock. I just so happened to be in a Brooklyn-based bike shop ordering new parts to pimp out my newest 2-wheel addition to my home when I noticed this young man's bike lock. naturally, I asked him if he was using his computer lock to lock his bike up and he responded that not only was he using it to secure his bike, but that he had borrowed it from his 90-yr old grandfather. where does the bikeswiper even begin in a circumstance like this? I congratulated him on 1) taking the initative to lock up his bike, 2) picking out such a slim, sturdy looking lock, 3) pulling a fast one on an elderly man. of course I then explained to him that 1) a 4-yr old girl from the Bronx could swipe his bike in a heartbeat if he used that lock and 2) he should consider selling that lock to a vintage bike shop in Williamsburg because those damn hipster kids would kill for such a cool looking vintage cable lock that is like new. I took him through all of the locks and explained to him what works and what doesn't. so what did he do? he bought the Pinhead® and walked out w/ his 90-yr old grandfather's lock. what should he have done? bought any of the available locks in the store instead of the solar powered lights for his bike. NEXT!!!



you can try to take the crack out of brooklyn... but you can never try to take the crack away from my faux super. the sign in front of my building (as seen above) is by far the best and most exciting part of my on-going unemployment. as you can see, that sign has been yanked out of the ground and planted back in several times. what you can also see is that there appears to be a motorized wheelchair chained to the sign, covered with 1/2 of a black trashbag and secured down with an abundance of masking tape. this is definitely a lock-job you don't see everyday. what really seals the deal is the fact that any would-be swiper would most likely not make it too far because of the slashed tires. what was my faux crack-addicted super planning on doing with this motorized wheelchair? well... I saw him trying to fix and then ride it away but he failed. he passes in my book because everybody noticed it and everybody would have told a would-be swiper to not waste his time. what should he do next time? kick the crack and offer to be security detail for the elderly up on Prospect Park West... huge wheelchair theft problems up there from what I've heard. NEXT!!!