post #24

I spend about $150 a month on groceries... and this bike is worth slightly more than that. had I not been on my way to a job interview, I would have lifted it right off of the U and ridden it into the city. just because your bike can buy me a month of groceries, doesn't mean you shouldn't lock it up properly. this is what I like to call a Copperfield lock-job. yes, I like a magic show and that is just what this is. although, I don't see the magic in lifting a bike off of a U. while I'd like to assume this rider is a) blind, b) over the age of 95 and/or c) David Copperfield... I have to simply assume that they were in a big hurry and didn't notice that their bike isn't really locked up. any would-be swiper could walk right by and a) cut the cable, b) lift the bike off of the U and attempt to ride it home w/ the cables stuck in the tires and/or c) set a hat out in front of the bike and perform a magic show for all of the kiddies in the neighborhood. what should this rider do next time? slide their u-lock around the U and then use their cable to secure the wheels. NEXT!!!



they say finding a 4-leaf clover is rare... but even more rare is seeing a cable and a chain and a min-u lock used in sync with one another. most of the time I pass right by cable lock-jobs, but this was a combo that gave me a little twinkle in the eye. not only did this rider take the time to use their chain to secure down their frame and front wheel, they also used a cable and mini-u lock for the rear tire. while a would-be swiper could cut the cable and swipe the rear wheel... they would have to break some spokes to remove that mini-u on the back. I personally carry a mid-sized u-lock and the mini-u lock from my chain when I feel extremely lazy. it works well enough to deter the swiper from attempting to swipe anything. what could this biker do to make their lock-job even better? pull up the slack in their chain. NEXT!!!

post #23

I've only had my heart broken twice... and today might very well have been the third time. [sigh] as I was minding my own business walking to the pet store to buy dog food for my Pound Puppy®, I came across this. [sigh] love is a such a hard thing to find and when we find our bikes that take us all around the city and they love us so much, all that bike wants in return is a little love and maybe some lube for its chain. this rider performed what I like to refer to as the heartbreaker lock-job. this is when they do what is far worse than cheating on their bike... they leave it outside for some pimp to scoop up and offer to some other hopeless sap looking for love... thus, breaking it's heart. [sigh] while I was tempted to time myself (since I just so happened to be wearing a watch on my wrist) swiping this bike, I decided it was in my best interest to not attempt it given the large parking cop giving out tickets across the street and a little to the right, who you cannot see in this photo. in no way, shape or form is the cop across the street at all affiliated with the security of the bike. in any event, all the would-be swiper would have to do to swipe this heartbroken bike is pull the quick release and swipe the bike. what should this rider consider doing next time? 1) go to couples couseling because clearly they have issues w/ their bike, 2) tattoo their name on the bike and their bike's serial number on their arm (true love is in inking) and/or 3) use the u-lock to secure the bike so at least they will loose both of their tires and not the the whole bike minus their front wheel. NEXT!!!


your eyes are not playing tricks on you... that is in fact a bike lock. I just so happened to be in a Brooklyn-based bike shop ordering new parts to pimp out my newest 2-wheel addition to my home when I noticed this young man's bike lock. naturally, I asked him if he was using his computer lock to lock his bike up and he responded that not only was he using it to secure his bike, but that he had borrowed it from his 90-yr old grandfather. where does the bikeswiper even begin in a circumstance like this? I congratulated him on 1) taking the initative to lock up his bike, 2) picking out such a slim, sturdy looking lock, 3) pulling a fast one on an elderly man. of course I then explained to him that 1) a 4-yr old girl from the Bronx could swipe his bike in a heartbeat if he used that lock and 2) he should consider selling that lock to a vintage bike shop in Williamsburg because those damn hipster kids would kill for such a cool looking vintage cable lock that is like new. I took him through all of the locks and explained to him what works and what doesn't. so what did he do? he bought the Pinhead® and walked out w/ his 90-yr old grandfather's lock. what should he have done? bought any of the available locks in the store instead of the solar powered lights for his bike. NEXT!!!



you can try to take the crack out of brooklyn... but you can never try to take the crack away from my faux super. the sign in front of my building (as seen above) is by far the best and most exciting part of my on-going unemployment. as you can see, that sign has been yanked out of the ground and planted back in several times. what you can also see is that there appears to be a motorized wheelchair chained to the sign, covered with 1/2 of a black trashbag and secured down with an abundance of masking tape. this is definitely a lock-job you don't see everyday. what really seals the deal is the fact that any would-be swiper would most likely not make it too far because of the slashed tires. what was my faux crack-addicted super planning on doing with this motorized wheelchair? well... I saw him trying to fix and then ride it away but he failed. he passes in my book because everybody noticed it and everybody would have told a would-be swiper to not waste his time. what should he do next time? kick the crack and offer to be security detail for the elderly up on Prospect Park West... huge wheelchair theft problems up there from what I've heard. NEXT!!!

post #22

the school for the visually impaired is located on 23rd street... not Houston. I'm sure you are wondering what about this photo brings up the visually impaired. well to start off with, without squinting you can probably see that the only thing secured to to that tree aside from it's own mother nature-given roots are the handlebars of this bike. it doesn't take a rocket scientist to walk by this visually impaired lock-job to realize that clearly the [assumed] visually impaired rider who locked it up had to have been well... visually impaired. all it takes is a simple hex to unscrew the stem and take the entire bike. sure, I would say that the average swiper would easily use their convenient garden shears to slice right through that fancy K-Mart® chain... but if the swiper isn't visually impaired, they will take out their handy dandy Park Tool® bike wrench and do what this visually impaired rider is begging for them to do. what should this visually impaired rider do next time? 1) put his/her contacts in before going out for a ride, 2) take a big crap in front of their bike to scare would-be swipers away from such a tempting swipe and/or 3) loop their crappy K-Mart® chain through a wheel and the frame then around the tree. NEXT!!!



SoHo is normally famous for Europeans bustling down the streets gwaking at crap on the sidewalks they can buy in NYC... however, what they probably tend to not notice is the high tech security SoHo riders have on those very same sidewalks. this lock-job is the best I've swiped all week long. not only did this rider do an amazingly awesome job securing their frame and both wheels down, but they managed to park the bike right behind a very friendly-looking Asian (or Russian... I couldn't really tell) street vendor... who just stares at only 2 things the entire day: 1) an overabundance of scarves my mother would kill for and 2) the bikes secured to that bike U. naturally as I stopped to analyze this divine lock-jobs, so did many tourist which further proved to excite the high tech security detail on this lock-job. I wonder what the heck is the deal with these Europeans... I mean... I could drop a cup on the sidewalk and stare at it and they would all take pictures of it. oh wait a second here... I think I just thought of a new job for myself that could pay better than unemployment in tips! hmmmm... ok, so what should this rider consider in the future? double-stick tape on the surface of their saddle because that is the second easiest way to help their high tech security catch a scarf blowing away. NEXT!!!