please hold your breath

I'm off on vacation and will return soon. please come back again, soon ;)

post #21

even Pee Wee Herman used a better lock to secure his bike... or so he used about 200-ft of chains which under the circumstances of not being a movie, would have taken the swiper at least an hour to cut through all of the chains that kept his baby locked down. sure, we all know that Pee Wee Herman's bike got stolen, but it was an inside job and a movie. what I really want to talk about in this photo is that girl in the background. who the hell is she? I stood in traffic until I got honked at by a Chinese man in a white van labeled "Oriental Repair." yes, there are too many things wrong with just that, but I'd really like to shift my focus back to this girl. who is she? after staring at her for awhile and after her giving me a very strange look them quickly walking away, I was able to come up with the following possibilities behind her true identity: a) a teenage informant for the FBI (they recruit young these days, or so I read on Craiglist), b) John Travolta's daughter (the first teenage girl to pop into my head that could have been standing there), c) the bike's owner's little sister (he/she must pay her in quarters to stand there all night kinda like a parking meter, but way more personable), d) a teenage tourist from Germany (she said something that was not in Russian, Hebrew, Spanish or Irish). I concluded that she had absolutely nothing to do with the bike. duh. while this rider was semi-smart to pick a prime high traffic location to lock up their bike, they miserably fail on my scale because of their K-Mart® special cable lock. what should this rider do next time? rent Pee Wee's Big Adventure... maybe then they will at least learn how to chain their bike up better than cabling it down to a street sign. NEXT!!!



I was silently cumming on the sidewalk as I walked in the wrong direction and stumbled across... this hot bondage lock-job. look at the size and length of that chain. makes you wanna dig out your own toys, put the swing up and call over a few friends, no? not only did it stir up sexual feelings in me, but the added bonus of the Nuts4Nuts truck watching over this blue balled set of wheels made me hungry for some warm street-roasted nuts which after swiping this photo... I walked 4-blocks north to discover a man whole sold me a sack of his warm roasted nuts for the bargain price of just $1. what's missing from this lock-job? some bondage for that seat. what could this rider to in the future? either 1) take a piece of an old bicycle tube and loop it through the seat the the bracket... you really don't have to put the fancy chain in there as most people see it and just assume it is secured down or 2) melt some candle wax, fill the sprocket hole and color it in w/ a black sharpie so it appears as though you can't steal the seat. the economy is in a recession and these cheap tricks ought to work like a charm. in any event, this rider did a grade A lock-job here and if I saw him/her on the street, I'd absolutely hop off my own bike and attempt to grind on his/her leg. wait, that sounds sick and dirty and just wrong. NEXT!!!

post #20

stop squinting so hard trying to figure it out... that is in fact not the leaning tower of Pisa. what that is, is in fact a midget lock-job. you see, midget riders are nothing like taller riders on the roads. they have great difficulty reaching both their pedals and handlebars. it is a luxury we all take for granted. how was I able to determine that this was a "midget lock-job"? clearly, they needed a crappy-ass cable that would enable enough slack that a midget could lock and unlock the bike. you see how it leans so far over, close enough to the ground like so [look at picture]. what should this rider consider doing next time? well, for starters, if they are going to use a crappy-ass cable? 1) include a note that says, "please sharpen your garden shears before swiping to avoid injury," 2) make it a little bit harder for other would-be midget swipers to swipe by pulling up the slack a bit on the cable so it sits higher and/or 3) buy a real lock. NEXT!!!



it's not everyday I walk outside of my apartment and see a fight like this... after about 1 minute I decided to swipe the red bike w/ one of my new handy dandy tags after declaring it the winner. and you thought Sylvester Stallone was awesome in Over the Top. while most people would say that neither the wheels or saddle are properly locked down, I would slap them across the back of the head for not seeing the obvious here. the rider of the red bike was clearly smart enough to pull of the good ol' "decoy lock-job." this type of lock-job requires another bike which has clearly been beaten and swiped from locked up on the ground next to it... case in point... the blue bike. a would-be swiper will automatically think either a) there is a swipe in progress or b) clearly there was nothing worth stealing off of the red bike to even mess w/ it. red bike you win my heart today. NEXT!!!

back in action!

I've been away for the past few weeks, I mean months... polishing the blinds in my apartment. that is what the unemployed do w/ their day. after a nice boot in the ass from many swiper fans (thank you, thank you), I have made my tags and added swiping to my daily duties which also happen to include: counting import cars driving by my front window, scaring the pigeons off of my balcony, catching up on The Price Is Right, mastering the art of burning grilled cheese in the oven and playing w/ fake animals. my tags are done. they are ready for you. hit me up and I will chuck some your way. while my father would be telling me to get a job... my mother would be encouraging me to go out and make new friends. and so... let the swiping... resume! NEXT!!!