Monday, August 31, 2009

post #18




very few lock jobs make me squirm... and this is one that still has me sliding around on my chair w/ excitement. clearly we have to riders that are either a) meant for each other and just don't know it yet, b) 2 gay men who rock my world w/ matching lock jobs or c) a sting operation in midtown. it doesn't get any better than this. not only did they use the u-locks in the front, but they used the chain in the back to secure down their frame, back wheel AND saddle. something new to me which I had never thought of before. it appears as though they locked their mini-u from the chain through the saddle instead of slipping the chain on through. the only way a would-be swiper could mastermind this scenario would be a power saw and a huge set of balls. NEXT!!!
—submitted by Paul in Midtown


most people assume that you can only use a u-lock to lock down their bikes. however, if you take a look at this lock job, you can clearly see that you can use them for other things! not only did this ride secure their bike to a parking meter (which I am not a huge fan of doing), but they also decided to secure their older-than-my-niece basket down w/ a u-lock. if you have the space to do it, why not?!? you can also take note that they are helping out the locals by collecting leaves on the street. this lock job is like finding a prize in the cereal box circa 2009. so perfectly locked down AND they did a little bit extra just because they could. NEXT!!!


there must be a ton of shit on the streets that is worth quite a bit of money... like this bike. while it appears as though it would be found in a pile of abandoned bikes in the lower east side, clearly somebody still loves this gem. while a cable lock is not the most ideal and swiper-proof method to secure a bike down, they do get props for a) securing the front wheel and frame down w/ the u-lock, b) then swinging the cable to and through their rear end and c) bonus points for locking on top of some sucker who locked their bike up by only one wheel. only suggestion I can make on this lock job? wrapping that fantastically cushioned saddle w/ an ugly plastic bag to deter some hipster from helping themselves to a "retro" looking saddle. NEXT!!!



what is the easiest thing you can do to tempt somebody to f*ck your bike up?
acquiring this sticker. sure, when I first started riding I had thought of doing something like this because I thought it was hy-ster-ical... however I quickly learned that Bikesnob and the rest of the real biking community do not approve of this tactic. this sticker just draws more attention to the hipster who paid $4 for the sticker and then stuck in on their top tube in an attempt to scare would-be swipers away. what should you do if you come across this bike? invest in Oscar Meyar® bologna and a folding chair, wrap the bike in bologna, swipe some Vaseline® beneath your eyes, on the bridge of your nose and all over your forehead... then wait for this rider to come out and evaluate just how effective their sticker is; please be sure to have health insurance before testing this out. NEXT!!!
—submitted by Klemons in Brooklyn


apparently this corner in brooklyn is just dumb f*ck prone. yet again, I found myself on the same corner (because it is after all, on my way to the subway) where I last spotted my first ever documented "dumb f*ck lock job." again, I stood on this corner looking like a complete brooklyn whore (canteen, tote bag, enormous camera and 4" red patent leather high heels) while waiting for this dumb f*ck to show their face. afte 5-minutes and quite a few elderly folk giving me the stink eye, I decided to swipe a photo and move about my day. now the only reasons I could muster up as to why this dumb f*ck pulled off the "dumb f*ck lock job" in an effort to have their bike stolen were a) they were angry over the fact that their tires didn't match perfectly in age, b) their saddle kept rubbing their balls in a very rough kinda way, c) they were an undercover cop or d) some pimp was trying to lure me into his circle. what should this rider do next time around? maybe place a sticker on the bike that says, "belongs to the post office. tampering w/ this bike can result in a beat-down by your local mailman. don't f*ck w/ the feds." NEXT!!!

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