post #16

I stood at a nearby bus stop for least 8 minutes waiting for this dumb f*ck to come back for his/her bike, but gave up after realizing the the ice cream for my homemade root beer float was melting. so what we have here is what you call the "dumb f*ck lock job." what exactly is a "dumb f*ck lock job"? my guess would have to be that the dumb f*ck who left his/her bike locked up like a horseshoe around the parking meter was either a) blind, b) assumed the people at the nearby bus stop were actually a valet service, c) is unemployed and allowing some non-dumb f*ck to steal their bikes so they can attempt to collect insurance on a bike that is worth less than my my neighbor's labradoodle or d) was really pissed the f*ck off at their boyfriend/girlfriend and did this full well knowing that this would be a great way to really, really surprise he/she as he/she would be rushing out the door while running late to take a dip in their douche bath. what should this rider have done to ensure that their bike was locked up properly? leaned it against the parking meter with a note that said, "this isn't too good to be true, this is a bike that would look great next to your convex toaster oven. NEXT!!!


while I had good intentions by asking the man with the pitbull if these were his bikes, his pitbull thought otherwise. it then occurred to me that had these bikes actually belonged to the man with the pitbull that this would in fact, be a brilliant lock job because of the pitbull. as it turned out, the man with the pitbull didn't own either of these bikes nor did he or his pitbull even live there... they were just taking a break to sip on a fourty. I'm pretty sure the dull scissors I stole from Kenneth Cole would slice right through these licorice cables. while I give the riders props for coridinating his/her colors so well, I would be tempted to slice through these to teach them a lesson. I mean... at least loop them through a tire!!! what should these riders have done? bought multiple pieces of the licorice cables and tangled their bikes up enough to confuse the president of the Brooklyn Knitting Club or just invest in a Kryptonite® chain and lock both frames together and to that fence. NEXT!!!



when I crossed pathes with these bikes, it was like getting laid on the spot. not only are they [almost] locked up like a chasity belt on a Catholic schoolgirl, but they are absolutely flirting with one another! who would have ever thought that metal on metal could flirt like this?! now.. this people, THIS is how you use the u-lock properly. while not the most expensive nor the most theft-deterent, the would-be swiper would be most likely tempted by a handful of bikes cabled-down just a few footsteps away. and while it appears as though they did not secure their frames down, they did. and you thought they were gonna blueball you. NEXT!!!