post #18

very few lock jobs make me squirm... and this is one that still has me sliding around on my chair w/ excitement. clearly we have to riders that are either a) meant for each other and just don't know it yet, b) 2 gay men who rock my world w/ matching lock jobs or c) a sting operation in midtown. it doesn't get any better than this. not only did they use the u-locks in the front, but they used the chain in the back to secure down their frame, back wheel AND saddle. something new to me which I had never thought of before. it appears as though they locked their mini-u from the chain through the saddle instead of slipping the chain on through. the only way a would-be swiper could mastermind this scenario would be a power saw and a huge set of balls. NEXT!!!
—submitted by Paul in Midtown


most people assume that you can only use a u-lock to lock down their bikes. however, if you take a look at this lock job, you can clearly see that you can use them for other things! not only did this ride secure their bike to a parking meter (which I am not a huge fan of doing), but they also decided to secure their older-than-my-niece basket down w/ a u-lock. if you have the space to do it, why not?!? you can also take note that they are helping out the locals by collecting leaves on the street. this lock job is like finding a prize in the cereal box circa 2009. so perfectly locked down AND they did a little bit extra just because they could. NEXT!!!


there must be a ton of shit on the streets that is worth quite a bit of money... like this bike. while it appears as though it would be found in a pile of abandoned bikes in the lower east side, clearly somebody still loves this gem. while a cable lock is not the most ideal and swiper-proof method to secure a bike down, they do get props for a) securing the front wheel and frame down w/ the u-lock, b) then swinging the cable to and through their rear end and c) bonus points for locking on top of some sucker who locked their bike up by only one wheel. only suggestion I can make on this lock job? wrapping that fantastically cushioned saddle w/ an ugly plastic bag to deter some hipster from helping themselves to a "retro" looking saddle. NEXT!!!



what is the easiest thing you can do to tempt somebody to f*ck your bike up? acquiring this sticker. sure, when I first started riding I had thought of doing something like this because I thought it was hy-ster-ical... however I quickly learned that Bikesnob and the rest of the real biking community do not approve of this tactic. this sticker just draws more attention to the hipster who paid $4 for the sticker and then stuck in on their top tube in an attempt to scare would-be swipers away. what should you do if you come across this bike? invest in Oscar Meyar® bologna and a folding chair, wrap the bike in bologna, swipe some Vaseline® beneath your eyes, on the bridge of your nose and all over your forehead... then wait for this rider to come out and evaluate just how effective their sticker is; please be sure to have health insurance before testing this out. NEXT!!!
—submitted by Klemons in Brooklyn


apparently this corner in brooklyn is just dumb f*ck prone. yet again, I found myself on the same corner (because it is after all, on my way to the subway) where I last spotted my first ever documented "dumb f*ck lock job." again, I stood on this corner looking like a complete brooklyn whore (canteen, tote bag, enormous camera and 4" red patent leather high heels) while waiting for this dumb f*ck to show their face. afte 5-minutes and quite a few elderly folk giving me the stink eye, I decided to swipe a photo and move about my day. now the only reasons I could muster up as to why this dumb f*ck pulled off the "dumb f*ck lock job" in an effort to have their bike stolen were a) they were angry over the fact that their tires didn't match perfectly in age, b) their saddle kept rubbing their balls in a very rough kinda way, c) they were an undercover cop or d) some pimp was trying to lure me into his circle. what should this rider do next time around? maybe place a sticker on the bike that says, "belongs to the post office. tampering w/ this bike can result in a beat-down by your local mailman. don't f*ck w/ the feds." NEXT!!!

post #17

if I were ever to get into a drunken brawl, these are the last handlebars I'd want stuck up my rear end. you see, what I don't get is how these handlebars are supposed to function. the top 3 things I can think of are 1) back scratcher, 2) secret deadly ninja weapon or 3) drying rack for pricey bras. my grandfather would win the argument that even w/ age, things still work or rust for that matter as this bike has been sitting at this spot for a month now. sure this OnGuard® chain lock is pretty well rusted to a near death, but the rider used it properly! woo hoo! in addition to securing both wheels and their frame down, they've got the ol' tubejob done up top. what could this rider have done better? picked up a can of chrome spray paint and disguised the age/neglect of their chain. NEXT!!!


I've lost all faith in crack heads, especially the one who [while posing as my super] goes through my garbage by morning and fixes bikes [in our basement] while smoking crack by night. now here we have a great example of how to lock up a bike but not really. what makes this lock job ingenious in my opinion? every last component just so happens to be rusted onto one another. even if I tempted fate and attempted to spend my unemployment activity of the day removing components, I'm pretty sure the crack pipe or broken fan blade found in the basement might scare myself (or a would-be swiper far, far away). what should this biker do next time? not a thing! nobody can do anything w/ this piece of shit so he he golden just kickstanding it out front. NEXT!!!



my week is not complete unless I come across a bike that looks like a blind man locked it up and that is JUST what this is! while looking to park my own set of 2-wheels, I walked right on by this bike, then did my bikeswiper double-take and diagnosed the blind man lock job. yup, while you think this is locked up by a cable, it is in fact... not. what is locked up here? the front wheel and the frame. what isn't locked down here? the frame w/ the front wheel and the rear wheel. what should this rider do next time? wear some glasses, invest in a u-lock and double check that their Trek® is registered w/ their local precinct. NEXT!!!


this is the saddest thing I've seen all week. what you have here is proof that the world is full of douchebags. I mean, who the hell goes after the front wheel of a 25-yr old bike? a real douchebag who wants to prove a point to a not-so-smart rider who just so happened to not lock their bike up properly. what should this rider do next time? first, buy a new front wheel, cause they help and then perhaps learn to use their chain properly. NEXT!!!
—submitted by Lopez in Brooklyn


there are many things on the streets of NYC which are not locked up properly in addition to bikes and this wheel chair is a perfect example. I'm gonna go ahead and assume that the elderly person who isn't pictured in this chair might be wandering lost somewhere in NYC. such a shame. what should this elderly person have done to secure their 4-wheels? a) stayed in their chair, b) invested in a few u-locks or a chain, c) locked the f*cking thing down or d) invested in a Life Line so the authorities could promptly locate the missing chair. NEXT!!!

post #16

I stood at a nearby bus stop for least 8 minutes waiting for this dumb f*ck to come back for his/her bike, but gave up after realizing the the ice cream for my homemade root beer float was melting. so what we have here is what you call the "dumb f*ck lock job." what exactly is a "dumb f*ck lock job"? my guess would have to be that the dumb f*ck who left his/her bike locked up like a horseshoe around the parking meter was either a) blind, b) assumed the people at the nearby bus stop were actually a valet service, c) is unemployed and allowing some non-dumb f*ck to steal their bikes so they can attempt to collect insurance on a bike that is worth less than my my neighbor's labradoodle or d) was really pissed the f*ck off at their boyfriend/girlfriend and did this full well knowing that this would be a great way to really, really surprise he/she as he/she would be rushing out the door while running late to take a dip in their douche bath. what should this rider have done to ensure that their bike was locked up properly? leaned it against the parking meter with a note that said, "this isn't too good to be true, this is a bike that would look great next to your convex toaster oven. NEXT!!!


while I had good intentions by asking the man with the pitbull if these were his bikes, his pitbull thought otherwise. it then occurred to me that had these bikes actually belonged to the man with the pitbull that this would in fact, be a brilliant lock job because of the pitbull. as it turned out, the man with the pitbull didn't own either of these bikes nor did he or his pitbull even live there... they were just taking a break to sip on a fourty. I'm pretty sure the dull scissors I stole from Kenneth Cole would slice right through these licorice cables. while I give the riders props for coridinating his/her colors so well, I would be tempted to slice through these to teach them a lesson. I mean... at least loop them through a tire!!! what should these riders have done? bought multiple pieces of the licorice cables and tangled their bikes up enough to confuse the president of the Brooklyn Knitting Club or just invest in a Kryptonite® chain and lock both frames together and to that fence. NEXT!!!



when I crossed pathes with these bikes, it was like getting laid on the spot. not only are they [almost] locked up like a chasity belt on a Catholic schoolgirl, but they are absolutely flirting with one another! who would have ever thought that metal on metal could flirt like this?! now.. this people, THIS is how you use the u-lock properly. while not the most expensive nor the most theft-deterent, the would-be swiper would be most likely tempted by a handful of bikes cabled-down just a few footsteps away. and while it appears as though they did not secure their frames down, they did. and you thought they were gonna blueball you. NEXT!!!

post #15

I'm unemployed and all this bike makes me want is a black n white. while tempted to lick each side to see which tastes better, I do have to live in reality and licking bikes is sure enough way to score a summons by the typical Park Slope stroller-pushing, overbearing and angry parent. here we have a rider who clearly doesn't have his/her head up his/her ass. as simple as can be... one chain, one lock and a pretty sturdy street sign. this cookie isn't going anywhere. props to hitting my sweet spot for the day. NEXT!!!



Im gonna assume that the Rite Aide® this was parked outside of was either having a huge sale of Flavor Ice® or giving out free advice on how not to lock up your bike. as I walked by I just assumed the usual, $12.99 cable securing down both wheels and frame, but when I walked up closer to further inspect, I discovered that this rider neglected to physically lock the bike up. that's right, that combination thing on your cheap piece of sh*t cable actually needs to be locked. what is even more tragic is that while I have a few friends who are looking for bikes, I decided to keep karma on my side by locking it for them. what should this rider have done in addition to actually locking their bike down... ? sprung an extra $12.99 to buy a U-lock... but I will give he/she credit for securing down both wheels. NEXT!!!