post #19

there is a big difference between the kyrptonite that Superman is allergic to... and the company that makes bike locks which just so happens to be called Kryptonite®. what we have here is a great example of 14-yr olds (Im just assuming and apologize if they actually belong to a 40-yr old who is trying to be young again) who really need to learn the difference between the two. yes, this is exactly what it appears to be... a "dumb f*ck" lock job. I pondered if I was supposed to be scared of the "kryptonite" licorice lock (which was doing nothing more than decorating the handlebars) but then quickly decided that there were really only 2 explanations as to why these bikes were just sitting on the sidewalk w/ no 14-yr olds in plain sight: either a) they were hiding in the bushes and getting ready to jump me if I swiped their rides or b) Superman gave them a beatdown and tossed them into space thus leaving the bikes exposed on the sidewalk as seen above. what should these 14-yr old boys have done? perhaps not assumed that the kyrptonite around one of the bikes would be enough to fend off a would-be swiper and either a) maybe use their crappy piece of kryptonite licorice lock or b) invest in some sort of u-lock. NEXT!!!



that is not pricey dental floss... but it is a pricey cable lock that is not really securing down this bike as well as it could be. ok, so you are looking at it and thinking that it looks locked down, right? it is, but I think it could be done better, how? they should use the u-lock on the frame and then run the cable through both wheels. the sign was pretty sturdy in the ground, so bonus points for that. don't forget to floss tonight... oh and, that's a pretty darn nice rack ;) NEXT!!!


the only thing that makes me happier than watching elderly women cross the street is coming across a grade A lock job. good enough that my elderly grandmother would offer this rider two pieces of hard candy from the candy dish! while I am not a fan of the parking meter method (too much girth for smaller and easier to tote around u-locks)... they get props for using a u-lock to properly secure their frame and both wheels. the only thing that really confused me... was the fact that their seat was resting nearly on the top tube which lead me to assume the following about this rider: a) they are shorter than 5'5", b) they might not own an allen wrench and/or c) they do not have balls because if they did... those suckers would be in for quite the bouncy ride. you go girl! NEXT!!!

post #18

very few lock jobs make me squirm... and this is one that still has me sliding around on my chair w/ excitement. clearly we have to riders that are either a) meant for each other and just don't know it yet, b) 2 gay men who rock my world w/ matching lock jobs or c) a sting operation in midtown. it doesn't get any better than this. not only did they use the u-locks in the front, but they used the chain in the back to secure down their frame, back wheel AND saddle. something new to me which I had never thought of before. it appears as though they locked their mini-u from the chain through the saddle instead of slipping the chain on through. the only way a would-be swiper could mastermind this scenario would be a power saw and a huge set of balls. NEXT!!!
—submitted by Paul in Midtown


most people assume that you can only use a u-lock to lock down their bikes. however, if you take a look at this lock job, you can clearly see that you can use them for other things! not only did this ride secure their bike to a parking meter (which I am not a huge fan of doing), but they also decided to secure their older-than-my-niece basket down w/ a u-lock. if you have the space to do it, why not?!? you can also take note that they are helping out the locals by collecting leaves on the street. this lock job is like finding a prize in the cereal box circa 2009. so perfectly locked down AND they did a little bit extra just because they could. NEXT!!!


there must be a ton of shit on the streets that is worth quite a bit of money... like this bike. while it appears as though it would be found in a pile of abandoned bikes in the lower east side, clearly somebody still loves this gem. while a cable lock is not the most ideal and swiper-proof method to secure a bike down, they do get props for a) securing the front wheel and frame down w/ the u-lock, b) then swinging the cable to and through their rear end and c) bonus points for locking on top of some sucker who locked their bike up by only one wheel. only suggestion I can make on this lock job? wrapping that fantastically cushioned saddle w/ an ugly plastic bag to deter some hipster from helping themselves to a "retro" looking saddle. NEXT!!!



what is the easiest thing you can do to tempt somebody to f*ck your bike up? acquiring this sticker. sure, when I first started riding I had thought of doing something like this because I thought it was hy-ster-ical... however I quickly learned that Bikesnob and the rest of the real biking community do not approve of this tactic. this sticker just draws more attention to the hipster who paid $4 for the sticker and then stuck in on their top tube in an attempt to scare would-be swipers away. what should you do if you come across this bike? invest in Oscar Meyar® bologna and a folding chair, wrap the bike in bologna, swipe some Vaseline® beneath your eyes, on the bridge of your nose and all over your forehead... then wait for this rider to come out and evaluate just how effective their sticker is; please be sure to have health insurance before testing this out. NEXT!!!
—submitted by Klemons in Brooklyn


apparently this corner in brooklyn is just dumb f*ck prone. yet again, I found myself on the same corner (because it is after all, on my way to the subway) where I last spotted my first ever documented "dumb f*ck lock job." again, I stood on this corner looking like a complete brooklyn whore (canteen, tote bag, enormous camera and 4" red patent leather high heels) while waiting for this dumb f*ck to show their face. afte 5-minutes and quite a few elderly folk giving me the stink eye, I decided to swipe a photo and move about my day. now the only reasons I could muster up as to why this dumb f*ck pulled off the "dumb f*ck lock job" in an effort to have their bike stolen were a) they were angry over the fact that their tires didn't match perfectly in age, b) their saddle kept rubbing their balls in a very rough kinda way, c) they were an undercover cop or d) some pimp was trying to lure me into his circle. what should this rider do next time around? maybe place a sticker on the bike that says, "belongs to the post office. tampering w/ this bike can result in a beat-down by your local mailman. don't f*ck w/ the feds." NEXT!!!

post #17

if I were ever to get into a drunken brawl, these are the last handlebars I'd want stuck up my rear end. you see, what I don't get is how these handlebars are supposed to function. the top 3 things I can think of are 1) back scratcher, 2) secret deadly ninja weapon or 3) drying rack for pricey bras. my grandfather would win the argument that even w/ age, things still work or rust for that matter as this bike has been sitting at this spot for a month now. sure this OnGuard® chain lock is pretty well rusted to a near death, but the rider used it properly! woo hoo! in addition to securing both wheels and their frame down, they've got the ol' tubejob done up top. what could this rider have done better? picked up a can of chrome spray paint and disguised the age/neglect of their chain. NEXT!!!


I've lost all faith in crack heads, especially the one who [while posing as my super] goes through my garbage by morning and fixes bikes [in our basement] while smoking crack by night. now here we have a great example of how to lock up a bike but not really. what makes this lock job ingenious in my opinion? every last component just so happens to be rusted onto one another. even if I tempted fate and attempted to spend my unemployment activity of the day removing components, I'm pretty sure the crack pipe or broken fan blade found in the basement might scare myself (or a would-be swiper far, far away). what should this biker do next time? not a thing! nobody can do anything w/ this piece of shit so he he golden just kickstanding it out front. NEXT!!!



my week is not complete unless I come across a bike that looks like a blind man locked it up and that is JUST what this is! while looking to park my own set of 2-wheels, I walked right on by this bike, then did my bikeswiper double-take and diagnosed the blind man lock job. yup, while you think this is locked up by a cable, it is in fact... not. what is locked up here? the front wheel and the frame. what isn't locked down here? the frame w/ the front wheel and the rear wheel. what should this rider do next time? wear some glasses, invest in a u-lock and double check that their Trek® is registered w/ their local precinct. NEXT!!!


this is the saddest thing I've seen all week. what you have here is proof that the world is full of douchebags. I mean, who the hell goes after the front wheel of a 25-yr old bike? a real douchebag who wants to prove a point to a not-so-smart rider who just so happened to not lock their bike up properly. what should this rider do next time? first, buy a new front wheel, cause they help and then perhaps learn to use their chain properly. NEXT!!!
—submitted by Lopez in Brooklyn


there are many things on the streets of NYC which are not locked up properly in addition to bikes and this wheel chair is a perfect example. I'm gonna go ahead and assume that the elderly person who isn't pictured in this chair might be wandering lost somewhere in NYC. such a shame. what should this elderly person have done to secure their 4-wheels? a) stayed in their chair, b) invested in a few u-locks or a chain, c) locked the f*cking thing down or d) invested in a Life Line so the authorities could promptly locate the missing chair. NEXT!!!

post #16

I stood at a nearby bus stop for least 8 minutes waiting for this dumb f*ck to come back for his/her bike, but gave up after realizing the the ice cream for my homemade root beer float was melting. so what we have here is what you call the "dumb f*ck lock job." what exactly is a "dumb f*ck lock job"? my guess would have to be that the dumb f*ck who left his/her bike locked up like a horseshoe around the parking meter was either a) blind, b) assumed the people at the nearby bus stop were actually a valet service, c) is unemployed and allowing some non-dumb f*ck to steal their bikes so they can attempt to collect insurance on a bike that is worth less than my my neighbor's labradoodle or d) was really pissed the f*ck off at their boyfriend/girlfriend and did this full well knowing that this would be a great way to really, really surprise he/she as he/she would be rushing out the door while running late to take a dip in their douche bath. what should this rider have done to ensure that their bike was locked up properly? leaned it against the parking meter with a note that said, "this isn't too good to be true, this is a bike that would look great next to your convex toaster oven. NEXT!!!


while I had good intentions by asking the man with the pitbull if these were his bikes, his pitbull thought otherwise. it then occurred to me that had these bikes actually belonged to the man with the pitbull that this would in fact, be a brilliant lock job because of the pitbull. as it turned out, the man with the pitbull didn't own either of these bikes nor did he or his pitbull even live there... they were just taking a break to sip on a fourty. I'm pretty sure the dull scissors I stole from Kenneth Cole would slice right through these licorice cables. while I give the riders props for coridinating his/her colors so well, I would be tempted to slice through these to teach them a lesson. I mean... at least loop them through a tire!!! what should these riders have done? bought multiple pieces of the licorice cables and tangled their bikes up enough to confuse the president of the Brooklyn Knitting Club or just invest in a Kryptonite® chain and lock both frames together and to that fence. NEXT!!!



when I crossed pathes with these bikes, it was like getting laid on the spot. not only are they [almost] locked up like a chasity belt on a Catholic schoolgirl, but they are absolutely flirting with one another! who would have ever thought that metal on metal could flirt like this?! now.. this people, THIS is how you use the u-lock properly. while not the most expensive nor the most theft-deterent, the would-be swiper would be most likely tempted by a handful of bikes cabled-down just a few footsteps away. and while it appears as though they did not secure their frames down, they did. and you thought they were gonna blueball you. NEXT!!!

post #15

I'm unemployed and all this bike makes me want is a black n white. while tempted to lick each side to see which tastes better, I do have to live in reality and licking bikes is sure enough way to score a summons by the typical Park Slope stroller-pushing, overbearing and angry parent. here we have a rider who clearly doesn't have his/her head up his/her ass. as simple as can be... one chain, one lock and a pretty sturdy street sign. this cookie isn't going anywhere. props to hitting my sweet spot for the day. NEXT!!!



Im gonna assume that the Rite Aide® this was parked outside of was either having a huge sale of Flavor Ice® or giving out free advice on how not to lock up your bike. as I walked by I just assumed the usual, $12.99 cable securing down both wheels and frame, but when I walked up closer to further inspect, I discovered that this rider neglected to physically lock the bike up. that's right, that combination thing on your cheap piece of sh*t cable actually needs to be locked. what is even more tragic is that while I have a few friends who are looking for bikes, I decided to keep karma on my side by locking it for them. what should this rider have done in addition to actually locking their bike down... ? sprung an extra $12.99 to buy a U-lock... but I will give he/she credit for securing down both wheels. NEXT!!!

post #14

what a pretty bike; pretty enough Rainbow Bright would consult me on how to swipe it. at first glance, it appears to be locked up wrong, but when you get closer to this bike, it becomes more clear that it is not really even locked up (see below)

yup. you guessed it. that is in fact a bungee cord. a nice looking one if you ask me. in fact, I even tested out its security by looking over my shoulder, undoing it, looking back over my should and nothing. so I secured it back into place as you can see from the picture above. please note, bungee cords are good for the following things: securing a mattress to the roof of a car, a temporary leash for a 3-yr old, hipster-inspired bracelets, a choker, device used to choke something, naughty tangler-device in bed, a chanukkah gift... BUT NOT AS A BIKE LOCK. had I not lost my Sharpie® in Harlem over the weekend, I would have written a note on the napkin in my pocket informing them of this. how should this rider secure their bike tomorrow? perhaps twist ties. NEXT!!!



is it me or does this single speed appear to have rugged mountain biking tires? well, I guess if you have ever ridden through Red Hook... the amount of garbage on the ground gives this rider reason enough to pair these two things together. I will give the owner credit for looking it up pretty well. while I am not an advocate of the cable... I think that if a random man were walking around the Red Hook pool w/ garden sheers, somebody might question his motives. if they didn't, that man would score some huge-ass mountain bike tires. the frame is as secure as can be and to be totally honest, I'd bet my left flip flop that there were at least 10 other bikes near this one which would be far easier to steal. I'll give him a thumbs up. NEXT!!!
—submitted by Blyer in Brooklyn

post #13

if there isn't already soft core [still life] bike porn out there, this might be a great start to a beautiful thing. I mean, come on. look at these two bikes. they are TOTALLY doing it from behind, no? ok, so if they aren't, they are most definitely together and locked up well. while the yellow bike's rear tire isn't secured, the rest of the bike is... to the bike in front of it. if you need a spare helmet or a dirty bottle, you would be in luck here, otherwise... good luck prying apart these finger cuffs. NEXT!!!



that is one hell of a rack on the back on this bike. it's not too often you see such a thing and better yet, those are two hot wheels along w/ the rack. this rider should maybe consider locking down one of their wheels next time since they did, after all... buy a mid-sized u-lock for a reason. note to self in the future, always secure down your rack if you can. otherwise, stick a on there that says, "free wheels and rack!!!" NEXT!!!

post #12

as this bike passed me I prayed the middle-aged bald man riding it was going to lock it up... soon... and he did. I will be totally honest, me wanting him to lock it up had nothing to do w/ the fact that he was both bald and middle-aged, rather, the fact that his bike was covered in Fear Factor tags. I had to assume a few possibilities as to why he had this particular bike: a) there was a sample sale in SoHo and he scored big, b) after coming in 3rd place, he still refuses to let go of his runner-up to the runner-up prize, c) he was currently participating in Fear Factor, the task being... riding through Times Square w/o a helmet and going the wrong way and surviving, or d) he stole it from a delivery man. now I was a complete ass because I watched him lock it up w/ the cable and could have said, "at least loop it through a tire." but I didn't and I waited for him to walk away before snapping this shot. note to self, it is easy for swipers to swipe a hot set of wheels which are only secured down by a 5&Dime cable lock. NEXT!!!


apparently Europeans do not care to steal bikes. I came across this bike in the heart of Times Square, watched it for awhile and studied the people around it. it appeared as though it belonged to nobody in plain sight AND it was locked to the air. there sure is something special about people who lock their bikes to the air. I will give partial credit to this rider since they used a U-lock but have to wonder if it was a game of chicken... waiting for a European to either a) pose w/ the bike for a photo because it could be famous, b) trip over it or c) call the police to report "something suspicous." next time... at least lean it against the wall and maybe, just maybe, secure it to something more than just the air. NEXT!!!



construction workers in NYC also get paid to watch bikes, but they just don't realize it. a nice set of wheels and I have to give the owner props for not only taking his saddle w/ him and then running his chain through both wheels and around a sturdy sign, but also for placing it in the middle of a construction site. nothing beats having a bunch of guys from Staten Island keep watch over a set of wheels for the day. while this might not be the fanciest of chains, it will do the job just fine. NEXT!!!

post #11

it's like finding a prize in the cereal box. after passing by a ton of bikes that were not locked up properly, I stumbled across this beauty on the West Side Highway just setting pretty in the misting rain. this rider did a perfect job on locking down their bike by securing both wheels and the frame w/ a sturdy chain leaving next to no slack; I couldn't even wiggle the sign free and bonus points for the screwed w/ pin in the stem securing the handle bars in place. if anything, I'd most definitely give this rider a hearty smack on the [bleep] for a job well done. NEXT!!

this lock job would make my father proud because the owners don't even own a lock. by keeping their bikes inside of the Chinese restaurant the only chance a swiper has at snagging one is by knocking out one of the chefs w/ a pair of rusty brass knuckles. NEXT!!!

it is so hard to not make fun of the obvious moron here, but I give this rider some credit because they did after all, purchase 2 locks. there should be a law that states all lock manufacturers provide idiot-proof instructions on how to lock up your bike. I don't care if you don't even lock this piece of [bleep] up, leave it free standing cause had the owner actually used their locks properly, even a swiper would be rendered useless in an attempt to steal anything more than the saddle, the handlebars or even that snazzy kickstand. points for locking it to the window. Im sure the owner of that basement unit loves looking at their window each morning to see this bike everyday. more points for this rider taking the time to secure their saddle. but from what I can see, they failed at securing down the most important piece of the bike, the kickstand. but at least unless you have a hacksaw to break the U-lock, this sucker is staying put. NEXT!!!
—submitted by a Red Hooker

post #10

the best way to score a semi-pricey bike in NYC is to follow the paparazzi around and wait until they go bonkers for Lindsay Lohan as she makes her way into a swanky hotel. I personally do not follow Lindsay Lohan around as I am a much bigger fan of Kim Karashian (who Ive never seen in NYC). in any event, the second these schmucks see a celebrity, the completely abandon their bikes. so if you are in NYC and needing a bike, my suggestion is help get rid of congestion on our streets and swipe a bike from the paparazzi. NEXT!


who doesn't need some dirty water bottles? aside from finding semi-full cups of coffee in bicycle baskets, I love almost as much when I find water bottles sitting nice and pretty waiting to be swiped. sure you would have to be a) a cheap f*cker, b) somebody who doesn't mind germs, c) somebody dying of thirst or d) just a complete asshole to swipe somebody's water bottles. however, I suspect that this rider is just lazy (and that they got their bike from Gotham bikes in the city). in addition to their bottles not being secured down, they also failed in my book for locking their bike to another bike (that has wrist warmers on it) w/ a not-so-crappy cable. what should this rider do next time? lock their bike up on the other side of the sign w/ something more than just a not-so-crappy cable... oh and fill their bottles w/ some whiskey. NEXT!
—submitted by Blyer in Brooklyn



another great way to secure your bike is to tangle it up w/ a slew of other bikes (as seen above). while I know the person who did this lock job (my fake super who is addicted to crack) and after attempting to explain how to properly lock up his bikes out front, this was what he understood from our conversation. I was ecstatic to discover his efforts and applaud him for stealing a U-lock and managing to secure so many bikes down for a whopping 3 days. I came downstairs the other morning to discover this:

and was fortunate enough to witness how this happened... when you forget to lock your u-lock (if I had the key or knew where he was passed out, I would have done something) you are just asking for somebody to drop on by and swipe yo sh*t. at least he is slowing learning. slowly I say. slowly. NEXT!!


either this bike belongs to a 5-yr old girl or the teenager I've seen riding it around swiped it from a 5-yr old girl. I'm gonna cross my fingers that the 5-yr old girl didn't fall victim to a shady teenage boy and her parents taught her how to take care of her goods. most notably, which you can't see, is that her u-lock (Kyrptonite) is worth more than the bike itself, yet she clearly wants to be able to chase Mister Softee off of her block on her bad ass Barbie® pink bike. most kids her age have no clue to even lock up their bikes, so I give her a huge thumbs up. what should she do next time? maybe secure a wheel down, but they aren't quick release nor a hot commodity for most normal-sized riders. NEXT!!