post #16

I stood at a nearby bus stop for least 8 minutes waiting for this dumb f*ck to come back for his/her bike, but gave up after realizing the the ice cream for my homemade root beer float was melting. so what we have here is what you call the "dumb f*ck lock job." what exactly is a "dumb f*ck lock job"? my guess would have to be that the dumb f*ck who left his/her bike locked up like a horseshoe around the parking meter was either a) blind, b) assumed the people at the nearby bus stop were actually a valet service, c) is unemployed and allowing some non-dumb f*ck to steal their bikes so they can attempt to collect insurance on a bike that is worth less than my my neighbor's labradoodle or d) was really pissed the f*ck off at their boyfriend/girlfriend and did this full well knowing that this would be a great way to really, really surprise he/she as he/she would be rushing out the door while running late to take a dip in their douche bath. what should this rider have done to ensure that their bike was locked up properly? leaned it against the parking meter with a note that said, "this isn't too good to be true, this is a bike that would look great next to your convex toaster oven. NEXT!!!


while I had good intentions by asking the man with the pitbull if these were his bikes, his pitbull thought otherwise. it then occurred to me that had these bikes actually belonged to the man with the pitbull that this would in fact, be a brilliant lock job because of the pitbull. as it turned out, the man with the pitbull didn't own either of these bikes nor did he or his pitbull even live there... they were just taking a break to sip on a fourty. I'm pretty sure the dull scissors I stole from Kenneth Cole would slice right through these licorice cables. while I give the riders props for coridinating his/her colors so well, I would be tempted to slice through these to teach them a lesson. I mean... at least loop them through a tire!!! what should these riders have done? bought multiple pieces of the licorice cables and tangled their bikes up enough to confuse the president of the Brooklyn Knitting Club or just invest in a Kryptonite® chain and lock both frames together and to that fence. NEXT!!!



when I crossed pathes with these bikes, it was like getting laid on the spot. not only are they [almost] locked up like a chasity belt on a Catholic schoolgirl, but they are absolutely flirting with one another! who would have ever thought that metal on metal could flirt like this?! now.. this people, THIS is how you use the u-lock properly. while not the most expensive nor the most theft-deterent, the would-be swiper would be most likely tempted by a handful of bikes cabled-down just a few footsteps away. and while it appears as though they did not secure their frames down, they did. and you thought they were gonna blueball you. NEXT!!!

post #15

I'm unemployed and all this bike makes me want is a black n white. while tempted to lick each side to see which tastes better, I do have to live in reality and licking bikes is sure enough way to score a summons by the typical Park Slope stroller-pushing, overbearing and angry parent. here we have a rider who clearly doesn't have his/her head up his/her ass. as simple as can be... one chain, one lock and a pretty sturdy street sign. this cookie isn't going anywhere. props to hitting my sweet spot for the day. NEXT!!!



Im gonna assume that the Rite Aide® this was parked outside of was either having a huge sale of Flavor Ice® or giving out free advice on how not to lock up your bike. as I walked by I just assumed the usual, $12.99 cable securing down both wheels and frame, but when I walked up closer to further inspect, I discovered that this rider neglected to physically lock the bike up. that's right, that combination thing on your cheap piece of sh*t cable actually needs to be locked. what is even more tragic is that while I have a few friends who are looking for bikes, I decided to keep karma on my side by locking it for them. what should this rider have done in addition to actually locking their bike down... ? sprung an extra $12.99 to buy a U-lock... but I will give he/she credit for securing down both wheels. NEXT!!!

post #14

what a pretty bike; pretty enough Rainbow Bright would consult me on how to swipe it. at first glance, it appears to be locked up wrong, but when you get closer to this bike, it becomes more clear that it is not really even locked up (see below)

yup. you guessed it. that is in fact a bungee cord. a nice looking one if you ask me. in fact, I even tested out its security by looking over my shoulder, undoing it, looking back over my should and nothing. so I secured it back into place as you can see from the picture above. please note, bungee cords are good for the following things: securing a mattress to the roof of a car, a temporary leash for a 3-yr old, hipster-inspired bracelets, a choker, device used to choke something, naughty tangler-device in bed, a chanukkah gift... BUT NOT AS A BIKE LOCK. had I not lost my Sharpie® in Harlem over the weekend, I would have written a note on the napkin in my pocket informing them of this. how should this rider secure their bike tomorrow? perhaps twist ties. NEXT!!!



is it me or does this single speed appear to have rugged mountain biking tires? well, I guess if you have ever ridden through Red Hook... the amount of garbage on the ground gives this rider reason enough to pair these two things together. I will give the owner credit for looking it up pretty well. while I am not an advocate of the cable... I think that if a random man were walking around the Red Hook pool w/ garden sheers, somebody might question his motives. if they didn't, that man would score some huge-ass mountain bike tires. the frame is as secure as can be and to be totally honest, I'd bet my left flip flop that there were at least 10 other bikes near this one which would be far easier to steal. I'll give him a thumbs up. NEXT!!!
—submitted by Blyer in Brooklyn

post #13

if there isn't already soft core [still life] bike porn out there, this might be a great start to a beautiful thing. I mean, come on. look at these two bikes. they are TOTALLY doing it from behind, no? ok, so if they aren't, they are most definitely together and locked up well. while the yellow bike's rear tire isn't secured, the rest of the bike is... to the bike in front of it. if you need a spare helmet or a dirty bottle, you would be in luck here, otherwise... good luck prying apart these finger cuffs. NEXT!!!



that is one hell of a rack on the back on this bike. it's not too often you see such a thing and better yet, those are two hot wheels along w/ the rack. this rider should maybe consider locking down one of their wheels next time since they did, after all... buy a mid-sized u-lock for a reason. note to self in the future, always secure down your rack if you can. otherwise, stick a on there that says, "free wheels and rack!!!" NEXT!!!

post #12

as this bike passed me I prayed the middle-aged bald man riding it was going to lock it up... soon... and he did. I will be totally honest, me wanting him to lock it up had nothing to do w/ the fact that he was both bald and middle-aged, rather, the fact that his bike was covered in Fear Factor tags. I had to assume a few possibilities as to why he had this particular bike: a) there was a sample sale in SoHo and he scored big, b) after coming in 3rd place, he still refuses to let go of his runner-up to the runner-up prize, c) he was currently participating in Fear Factor, the task being... riding through Times Square w/o a helmet and going the wrong way and surviving, or d) he stole it from a delivery man. now I was a complete ass because I watched him lock it up w/ the cable and could have said, "at least loop it through a tire." but I didn't and I waited for him to walk away before snapping this shot. note to self, it is easy for swipers to swipe a hot set of wheels which are only secured down by a 5&Dime cable lock. NEXT!!!


apparently Europeans do not care to steal bikes. I came across this bike in the heart of Times Square, watched it for awhile and studied the people around it. it appeared as though it belonged to nobody in plain sight AND it was locked to the air. there sure is something special about people who lock their bikes to the air. I will give partial credit to this rider since they used a U-lock but have to wonder if it was a game of chicken... waiting for a European to either a) pose w/ the bike for a photo because it could be famous, b) trip over it or c) call the police to report "something suspicous." next time... at least lean it against the wall and maybe, just maybe, secure it to something more than just the air. NEXT!!!



construction workers in NYC also get paid to watch bikes, but they just don't realize it. a nice set of wheels and I have to give the owner props for not only taking his saddle w/ him and then running his chain through both wheels and around a sturdy sign, but also for placing it in the middle of a construction site. nothing beats having a bunch of guys from Staten Island keep watch over a set of wheels for the day. while this might not be the fanciest of chains, it will do the job just fine. NEXT!!!

post #11

it's like finding a prize in the cereal box. after passing by a ton of bikes that were not locked up properly, I stumbled across this beauty on the West Side Highway just setting pretty in the misting rain. this rider did a perfect job on locking down their bike by securing both wheels and the frame w/ a sturdy chain leaving next to no slack; I couldn't even wiggle the sign free and bonus points for the screwed w/ pin in the stem securing the handle bars in place. if anything, I'd most definitely give this rider a hearty smack on the [bleep] for a job well done. NEXT!!

this lock job would make my father proud because the owners don't even own a lock. by keeping their bikes inside of the Chinese restaurant the only chance a swiper has at snagging one is by knocking out one of the chefs w/ a pair of rusty brass knuckles. NEXT!!!

it is so hard to not make fun of the obvious moron here, but I give this rider some credit because they did after all, purchase 2 locks. there should be a law that states all lock manufacturers provide idiot-proof instructions on how to lock up your bike. I don't care if you don't even lock this piece of [bleep] up, leave it free standing cause had the owner actually used their locks properly, even a swiper would be rendered useless in an attempt to steal anything more than the saddle, the handlebars or even that snazzy kickstand. points for locking it to the window. Im sure the owner of that basement unit loves looking at their window each morning to see this bike everyday. more points for this rider taking the time to secure their saddle. but from what I can see, they failed at securing down the most important piece of the bike, the kickstand. but at least unless you have a hacksaw to break the U-lock, this sucker is staying put. NEXT!!!
—submitted by a Red Hooker

post #10

the best way to score a semi-pricey bike in NYC is to follow the paparazzi around and wait until they go bonkers for Lindsay Lohan as she makes her way into a swanky hotel. I personally do not follow Lindsay Lohan around as I am a much bigger fan of Kim Karashian (who Ive never seen in NYC). in any event, the second these schmucks see a celebrity, the completely abandon their bikes. so if you are in NYC and needing a bike, my suggestion is help get rid of congestion on our streets and swipe a bike from the paparazzi. NEXT!


who doesn't need some dirty water bottles? aside from finding semi-full cups of coffee in bicycle baskets, I love almost as much when I find water bottles sitting nice and pretty waiting to be swiped. sure you would have to be a) a cheap f*cker, b) somebody who doesn't mind germs, c) somebody dying of thirst or d) just a complete asshole to swipe somebody's water bottles. however, I suspect that this rider is just lazy (and that they got their bike from Gotham bikes in the city). in addition to their bottles not being secured down, they also failed in my book for locking their bike to another bike (that has wrist warmers on it) w/ a not-so-crappy cable. what should this rider do next time? lock their bike up on the other side of the sign w/ something more than just a not-so-crappy cable... oh and fill their bottles w/ some whiskey. NEXT!
—submitted by Blyer in Brooklyn



another great way to secure your bike is to tangle it up w/ a slew of other bikes (as seen above). while I know the person who did this lock job (my fake super who is addicted to crack) and after attempting to explain how to properly lock up his bikes out front, this was what he understood from our conversation. I was ecstatic to discover his efforts and applaud him for stealing a U-lock and managing to secure so many bikes down for a whopping 3 days. I came downstairs the other morning to discover this:

and was fortunate enough to witness how this happened... when you forget to lock your u-lock (if I had the key or knew where he was passed out, I would have done something) you are just asking for somebody to drop on by and swipe yo sh*t. at least he is slowing learning. slowly I say. slowly. NEXT!!


either this bike belongs to a 5-yr old girl or the teenager I've seen riding it around swiped it from a 5-yr old girl. I'm gonna cross my fingers that the 5-yr old girl didn't fall victim to a shady teenage boy and her parents taught her how to take care of her goods. most notably, which you can't see, is that her u-lock (Kyrptonite) is worth more than the bike itself, yet she clearly wants to be able to chase Mister Softee off of her block on her bad ass Barbie® pink bike. most kids her age have no clue to even lock up their bikes, so I give her a huge thumbs up. what should she do next time? maybe secure a wheel down, but they aren't quick release nor a hot commodity for most normal-sized riders. NEXT!!

post #9

the best way to prevent a midget-swiper from stealing your bike is to lock it up above their eye level. this might be our best submission yet, and do I really need to go further into detail as to what this rider did right? well the only thing I could swipe (if I stood on a midget-swiper's shoulders or my handy dandy step stool... that I carry EVERYWHERE w/ me) is their saddle. my father would be proud of how this rider took full advantage of every last extra link on their chain to secure both wheels and the frame down. bonus swiper points for the WOXY sticker... "the future of Rock n Roll" in Cincinnati, Ohio. NEXT!
—submitted by Scott hanging out in front of Babies 'R Us


if a bike ever had to get its innards examined... this is how a bike v@gina doctor would do it... spread your wheels baby! spread them! ok, that was just wrong, but kind of funny. while it appears as though perhaps an obese child snapped this bike, it is, I think, one of those fancy folding bikes you could purchase at an Eddie Bauer® [arghhh]. what did this rider do right? secured everything down, even his saddle. what didn't he do right? put a huge sticker on his bike that reads, "safety first." NEXT!


ok, so maybe this isn't quite a bike, BUT it sure is locked up pretty well. Im not one to discriminate and it is after all, Friday, so why not give credit to the smarter bums living on our streets of NYC. I walk around the city all week and see tons of [stolen] shopping carts not secured properly leaving them exposed to fall victim to bum shopping cart swipers. what did this bum do right? 1) they didn't leave all of their lively possessions inside the cart, 2) they removed Bed, Bath & Beyond from the front of the cart making it nearly impossible for the NYPD to determine where it was stolen from, 3) they used a pretty descent sized chain and lock and 4) they secured one of the wheels and the frame of the cart to the bike U. so yes, I will hands down give this bum a thumbs up for doing it right. NEXT!



if Hulk Hogan were walking down the street, I'm pretty sure he would try to swipe these. why do I assume this? well for starters, they would make perfect beach cruising bikes in Venice, CA; second, the blue bike would enhance his tan quite a bit (or at least more than Linda did) and third, he could let his 15-yr old girlfriend ride the other. but you must be wondering how Hulk Hogan could swipe these bikes and why? these two riders, while had the right idea to at least do "something" to secure their bikes, overlooked the fact that they only secured their two front wheels to one another w/ that nice, overpriced Kryptonite® u-lock. so if Hulk Hogan walked by and wanted to swipe either of these bikes he could either a) carry them away or b) unscrew both front wheels and walk away w/ (2) nice beach bikes sans their front tires. these riders should consider securing down their frames next time and... well, locking them up to more than just each other. NEXT!

post #8

this lock-job is like my father giving me a spanking (when I was 5) w/ a stuffed animal. it's like, look at that, this biker spent a pretty penny on the Gucci® of locks AND bought one small enough to dub as modern-looking brass knuckles. however, they clearly didn't think about the fact that yes, nobody can snag that front wheel of the frame, but if I ever wanted to bang the sh*t out of a back wheel, I would sure as sh*t attempt to bang the sh*t out of their back wheel. while you might have quite possibly the most bizarre mental image of somebody humping or beating a back wheel w/ a sledgehammer... what this biker can do the next time around is a) buy a larger Gucci®-like u-lock and b) secure both wheels and the frame to one another so a nutjob like myself doesn't come along and attempt to bang the sh*t out of an unlocked back wheel. NEXT!


my brother who was [unfortunately] born w/o common sense is smarter than this, or perhaps he is in NYC and my parents didn't call to warn me. here we have a folding bike, (which in my eyes, is perfect for extra tall midgets) just marinating in front of a bodega located in Union Square. while at first glance it appears as though the extra tall midget didn't lock their bike down, there is a u-lock around the front wheel and frame. I'm gonna give "swiper bonus points" for the way in which the extra tall midget secured the actual bike... locking it up to the air. that's right, they are trusting the air to prevent would-be swipers from walking on by and clenching a sweet-ass, two-wheeled souvenir. how should the extra tall midget have locked down their bike? it's a no-brainer here... folding bikes were invented for a reason, fold that f*cker up and piss everybody off in the the bodega by carrying it over the shoulder. NEXT!

some bikeswiping p0rn for your afternoon

since you are either a) at work still or b) have nothing to watch since Lipstick Jungle got canceled, I thought I would share a video from Streetfilms of some "bike lock grading" by Hal Ruzal of Bicycle Habitat. he does a great job of showing how poorly bikes can or cannot be locked up. be afraid, very, very afraid because getting anything below a D- from this guy makes you a sucker in my book.

my thoughts? he is a proponent of the cable while I am not such a big fan. however, if all you have is a cable, that is better than nothing. it's how you use the cable that counts. also note that he reminds you to make sure you pole is "stiffly" in the ground. enjoy his other grading videos below. and on a final note... I would just like to add that we swiped the last bike he graded earlier last week... the Bowling Green.