post #11

it's like finding a prize in the cereal box. after passing by a ton of bikes that were not locked up properly, I stumbled across this beauty on the West Side Highway just setting pretty in the misting rain. this rider did a perfect job on locking down their bike by securing both wheels and the frame w/ a sturdy chain leaving next to no slack; I couldn't even wiggle the sign free and bonus points for the screwed w/ pin in the stem securing the handle bars in place. if anything, I'd most definitely give this rider a hearty smack on the [bleep] for a job well done. NEXT!!

this lock job would make my father proud because the owners don't even own a lock. by keeping their bikes inside of the Chinese restaurant the only chance a swiper has at snagging one is by knocking out one of the chefs w/ a pair of rusty brass knuckles. NEXT!!!

it is so hard to not make fun of the obvious moron here, but I give this rider some credit because they did after all, purchase 2 locks. there should be a law that states all lock manufacturers provide idiot-proof instructions on how to lock up your bike. I don't care if you don't even lock this piece of [bleep] up, leave it free standing cause had the owner actually used their locks properly, even a swiper would be rendered useless in an attempt to steal anything more than the saddle, the handlebars or even that snazzy kickstand. points for locking it to the window. Im sure the owner of that basement unit loves looking at their window each morning to see this bike everyday. more points for this rider taking the time to secure their saddle. but from what I can see, they failed at securing down the most important piece of the bike, the kickstand. but at least unless you have a hacksaw to break the U-lock, this sucker is staying put. NEXT!!!
—submitted by a Red Hooker

post #10

the best way to score a semi-pricey bike in NYC is to follow the paparazzi around and wait until they go bonkers for Lindsay Lohan as she makes her way into a swanky hotel. I personally do not follow Lindsay Lohan around as I am a much bigger fan of Kim Karashian (who Ive never seen in NYC). in any event, the second these schmucks see a celebrity, the completely abandon their bikes. so if you are in NYC and needing a bike, my suggestion is help get rid of congestion on our streets and swipe a bike from the paparazzi. NEXT!


who doesn't need some dirty water bottles? aside from finding semi-full cups of coffee in bicycle baskets, I love almost as much when I find water bottles sitting nice and pretty waiting to be swiped. sure you would have to be a) a cheap f*cker, b) somebody who doesn't mind germs, c) somebody dying of thirst or d) just a complete asshole to swipe somebody's water bottles. however, I suspect that this rider is just lazy (and that they got their bike from Gotham bikes in the city). in addition to their bottles not being secured down, they also failed in my book for locking their bike to another bike (that has wrist warmers on it) w/ a not-so-crappy cable. what should this rider do next time? lock their bike up on the other side of the sign w/ something more than just a not-so-crappy cable... oh and fill their bottles w/ some whiskey. NEXT!
—submitted by Blyer in Brooklyn



another great way to secure your bike is to tangle it up w/ a slew of other bikes (as seen above). while I know the person who did this lock job (my fake super who is addicted to crack) and after attempting to explain how to properly lock up his bikes out front, this was what he understood from our conversation. I was ecstatic to discover his efforts and applaud him for stealing a U-lock and managing to secure so many bikes down for a whopping 3 days. I came downstairs the other morning to discover this:

and was fortunate enough to witness how this happened... when you forget to lock your u-lock (if I had the key or knew where he was passed out, I would have done something) you are just asking for somebody to drop on by and swipe yo sh*t. at least he is slowing learning. slowly I say. slowly. NEXT!!


either this bike belongs to a 5-yr old girl or the teenager I've seen riding it around swiped it from a 5-yr old girl. I'm gonna cross my fingers that the 5-yr old girl didn't fall victim to a shady teenage boy and her parents taught her how to take care of her goods. most notably, which you can't see, is that her u-lock (Kyrptonite) is worth more than the bike itself, yet she clearly wants to be able to chase Mister Softee off of her block on her bad ass Barbie® pink bike. most kids her age have no clue to even lock up their bikes, so I give her a huge thumbs up. what should she do next time? maybe secure a wheel down, but they aren't quick release nor a hot commodity for most normal-sized riders. NEXT!!

post #9

the best way to prevent a midget-swiper from stealing your bike is to lock it up above their eye level. this might be our best submission yet, and do I really need to go further into detail as to what this rider did right? well the only thing I could swipe (if I stood on a midget-swiper's shoulders or my handy dandy step stool... that I carry EVERYWHERE w/ me) is their saddle. my father would be proud of how this rider took full advantage of every last extra link on their chain to secure both wheels and the frame down. bonus swiper points for the WOXY sticker... "the future of Rock n Roll" in Cincinnati, Ohio. NEXT!
—submitted by Scott hanging out in front of Babies 'R Us


if a bike ever had to get its innards examined... this is how a bike v@gina doctor would do it... spread your wheels baby! spread them! ok, that was just wrong, but kind of funny. while it appears as though perhaps an obese child snapped this bike, it is, I think, one of those fancy folding bikes you could purchase at an Eddie Bauer® [arghhh]. what did this rider do right? secured everything down, even his saddle. what didn't he do right? put a huge sticker on his bike that reads, "safety first." NEXT!


ok, so maybe this isn't quite a bike, BUT it sure is locked up pretty well. Im not one to discriminate and it is after all, Friday, so why not give credit to the smarter bums living on our streets of NYC. I walk around the city all week and see tons of [stolen] shopping carts not secured properly leaving them exposed to fall victim to bum shopping cart swipers. what did this bum do right? 1) they didn't leave all of their lively possessions inside the cart, 2) they removed Bed, Bath & Beyond from the front of the cart making it nearly impossible for the NYPD to determine where it was stolen from, 3) they used a pretty descent sized chain and lock and 4) they secured one of the wheels and the frame of the cart to the bike U. so yes, I will hands down give this bum a thumbs up for doing it right. NEXT!



if Hulk Hogan were walking down the street, I'm pretty sure he would try to swipe these. why do I assume this? well for starters, they would make perfect beach cruising bikes in Venice, CA; second, the blue bike would enhance his tan quite a bit (or at least more than Linda did) and third, he could let his 15-yr old girlfriend ride the other. but you must be wondering how Hulk Hogan could swipe these bikes and why? these two riders, while had the right idea to at least do "something" to secure their bikes, overlooked the fact that they only secured their two front wheels to one another w/ that nice, overpriced Kryptonite® u-lock. so if Hulk Hogan walked by and wanted to swipe either of these bikes he could either a) carry them away or b) unscrew both front wheels and walk away w/ (2) nice beach bikes sans their front tires. these riders should consider securing down their frames next time and... well, locking them up to more than just each other. NEXT!

post #8

this lock-job is like my father giving me a spanking (when I was 5) w/ a stuffed animal. it's like, look at that, this biker spent a pretty penny on the Gucci® of locks AND bought one small enough to dub as modern-looking brass knuckles. however, they clearly didn't think about the fact that yes, nobody can snag that front wheel of the frame, but if I ever wanted to bang the sh*t out of a back wheel, I would sure as sh*t attempt to bang the sh*t out of their back wheel. while you might have quite possibly the most bizarre mental image of somebody humping or beating a back wheel w/ a sledgehammer... what this biker can do the next time around is a) buy a larger Gucci®-like u-lock and b) secure both wheels and the frame to one another so a nutjob like myself doesn't come along and attempt to bang the sh*t out of an unlocked back wheel. NEXT!


my brother who was [unfortunately] born w/o common sense is smarter than this, or perhaps he is in NYC and my parents didn't call to warn me. here we have a folding bike, (which in my eyes, is perfect for extra tall midgets) just marinating in front of a bodega located in Union Square. while at first glance it appears as though the extra tall midget didn't lock their bike down, there is a u-lock around the front wheel and frame. I'm gonna give "swiper bonus points" for the way in which the extra tall midget secured the actual bike... locking it up to the air. that's right, they are trusting the air to prevent would-be swipers from walking on by and clenching a sweet-ass, two-wheeled souvenir. how should the extra tall midget have locked down their bike? it's a no-brainer here... folding bikes were invented for a reason, fold that f*cker up and piss everybody off in the the bodega by carrying it over the shoulder. NEXT!

some bikeswiping p0rn for your afternoon

since you are either a) at work still or b) have nothing to watch since Lipstick Jungle got canceled, I thought I would share a video from Streetfilms of some "bike lock grading" by Hal Ruzal of Bicycle Habitat. he does a great job of showing how poorly bikes can or cannot be locked up. be afraid, very, very afraid because getting anything below a D- from this guy makes you a sucker in my book.

my thoughts? he is a proponent of the cable while I am not such a big fan. however, if all you have is a cable, that is better than nothing. it's how you use the cable that counts. also note that he reminds you to make sure you pole is "stiffly" in the ground. enjoy his other grading videos below. and on a final note... I would just like to add that we swiped the last bike he graded earlier last week... the Bowling Green.

post #7

finally, a set of wheels in some hot bondage. it's not too often that I walk by and see something done almost perfect. while the chain in the front has a bit of slack, the rider here secured down both their front and rear wheels as well as their frame. their saddle is not a quick release, so unless the would-be swiper has a bike tool in his pocket, this straight-from-the factory saddle is safe... for now. this is a great example of how to properly lock your bike down. kudos to the Cannondale®. NEXT!


it's like my grandmother strapped to a pole. ok, so maybe nobody would find my grandmother strapped to a pole at this point in time, but I can tell ya the walker she absolutely refuses to use is the same color as this grandmother-like, Dutch-style set of wheels. perhaps cyclists in L.A. are a but naive and just sorta assume that the high-fashion colored, plastic covered chain will make the cut. well, if anything, it will get cut sooner or later. this rider (if this is all they've got) ought to at least lock down one of their wheels so it's more fun for the swiper to pull it free after they cut the chain. keep an eye out for my grandmother, she does have a mean set of coupon clippers. NEXT!
—submitted by Karen in L.A.

the un-swipable saddle!

nobody likes standing the entire ride home, so tonight (and since a friend asked), I'm sharing (4) methods to secure your saddle so you can worry a little less about it being [easily] swiped:

#1) The 5 and Dime Cable Lock Method
this might be one of the few instances when a cable lock is well, useful. most swipers are out to swipe a quick release saddle. by using a cable lock, it deters them enough to, most of the time, pass it up for another unsuspecting, unprotected saddle.

the saddle (seen below) "appears" to be secured down, but the owner clearly neglected to actually secure the saddle by looping it through the bike frame. I wouldn't mind setting my ass on that saddle one bit, but maybe that's cause Im a sucker for a type-free saddle.

this is an example of how NOT to use a cable lock (seen below).

this cyclist is thinking in the right vain by securing down both wheels and the frame by using the cable to keep their entire bike locked down. however, one quick snip and the entire bike is totally swipable. what should this biker do? at least secure that u-lock to the rear wheel and the street sign so only part of their bike is swipeable.

#2) The Chain+Tube Trick
you can also use an old chain in an old tube trick to lock it into place. while this is just as "attractive" as the cable, it is both a) harder to cut through and b) being green in that you are recycling old, used materials.


#3) My Father's Method: The Good Ol' Plastic Bag!
he is the cheapest of the cheap but is one of the sharpest tools in the shed. recycle an ugly recycled old plastic bag and do what most of the delivery guys in the city do, cover your saddle w/ that ugly old recycled plastic bag. I just always assume it's a crab-infested saddle and steer clear ;)

just as a sidenote... it is always a "good" idea to physically lock down your bike, unlike what this delivery man did to secure his bike; although he did make an attempt by chaining his wheel to his frame.

#4) The Pull-out Method
not to be confused w/ the pull-out method used while romping in the hay, BUT very similar in concept if you ask me. after you lock up your bike, "pull-out" your saddle and take it w/ you. a no-brainer if you ask me and this is what I do even though mine isn't a quick-release.

remember, when locking down your saddle, be sure to remove saddle bags and lights that aren't already secured down. while I might not have all of the answers posted right here, I hope that what I've learned will help you next time you take your 2-wheeler to the streets. feel free to share you tips as well. NEXT!

post #6

who would ever want to steal crap? well, perhaps the newest and greatest method to preventing bicycle theft it to make it look like the largest imaginable piece of crap. case in point, the bikes seen in the photo above. it appears to be the world's largest unicycle at first glance, however after studying it more closely, I came to final conclusion that it is actually (3) bikes, a green garden hose and a u-lock getting it on in a very rusty threesome. so what the hell is the actual locking method on this purple Trek®? it appears to be very much secured down by the green garden hose and a sturdy Kryptonite® u-lock as seen above. if you ask me, I will hands down give this guy a thumbs up on a very well thought out lock-job. crap anybody? NEXT!
—submitted by a Red Hooker


I am convinced that this piece of work is a test. look at it like this... we go through life being given many tests like adding 1+1, choosing between a 12-yr and an 18-yr old malt whiskey, slicing up hot red peppers w/ your bare hands and being tempted to itch your eyes, stiffing a sh*tty waitress for being... a sh*tty waitress and so on. after spending months passing by this bike everyday, somebody else decided to call out the fact that it has been resting in the same place w/ pieces slowly disappearing. I am convinced that this is a test. a test to see how long you can leave a somewhat pricey bike chained up before all of its components are ripped off. or... I can assume the only other rational for this carcass has to be one of the following things:

a) the owner is lost somewhere in Brooklyn; the bike on the other hand knows exactly where it is and keeps falling victim to a daily gang bang.
b) this is clearly a test and we are all being recorded as we walk by to see how we react to such a sight for sore eyes.
c) the owner encountered the Bageltique mafia and was forced to leave their Bianchi as passage payment.
d) the owner is a lazy and negligent idiot and gave up after they lost their rear wheel.

next time the owner should consider doing (2) things: 1) locking the front wheel to the rear wheel and frame down and 2) coming back to check on the bike after locking it up. I give that rack a street life of 29 more days. NEXT!
—submitted by Blyer in Brooklyn

ouch!

I learned a very valuable lesson Friday afternoon. apparently bike lanes in NYC [and it's wonderful borough of Brooklyn] are not really intended for bikers to bike in, rather, the following things instead:

- strollers
- dogs and idiots who walk them
- Chinese (not necessarily "Chinese" people, but the food) delivery guys
- delivery trucks (as seen above)
- morons who think assume it is the "extra small" passing lanes for motor vehicles

I just so happened to fall victim to a small, pregnant belly man in a beat up Dodge® minivan who thought he could squeeze both his pregnant man belly and beat up Dodge® minivan into the bike lane just as I happened to be enjoying my space in the lane. while he thought he was making a clean pass around a Dog Day Afternoon of Brooklyn traffic, he actually came door too fist w/ me and his door won sending me flying over my handlebars and into the bike lane I was leisurely riding in. it isn't too often I have a crowd to perform in front of, but just my luck, a group of tourists were right there to witness my asphalt acrobatics and I'm pretty sure I scored an 8.2 out of 10 on my landing. after 45-seconds or so (and after the tourists helped me up) the pregnant belly man got out of his beat up Dodge® minivan to ask me if I was ok. WAS I OK? ha. I took it upon myself to explain to him that the bikers' lane was in fact NOT an "extra small" passing lane, but that it was intended for these 2-wheeled things called bikes and these 2-legged people that ride those 2-wheeled things called bikers. that when he drives his 4-wheeled piece of American sh*t in the bike lane, he might just have a pretty good shot of hitting a biker, which he did.

I made the biggest rookie error to be made, I said I was ok and road off not realizing for a few blocks that my arm was covered in blood from my nosedive into the asphalt. lesson learned here:

1. bike lanes aren't for bikers.
buy an orange flag and attach it to your bike, while not quite a moped, at least the drivers will kinda see you while you ride in "their" lane.
2. after you get hit, call the police.
the bike lane is a bike lane and cars shouldn't be driving in them and well, assholes deserve points on their licenses if they don't understand the difference between the (2) lanes.
3. get the insurance info, name and plates of the asshole who hit you.
you should never have to pay your own bills for their laziness, neglect and general moronic driving habits of running over bikers.
4. after you get their info, be sure to let them know they are a total piece of sh*t.
telling a grown man he looks pregnant is a sure way to make him feel even worse after having run you down while riding your 2-wheeled friend.

I guess I'm the sucker this time around; it's time for some Neosporin®. NEXT!

post #5

the Save on Fifth must be having a sale on packaging tape. it appears as though the owner of this bike either a) forget their 2nd lock at home or b) wants to be very unfriendly to the environment by securing their bike w/ a small u-lock and... clear packaging tape. the only other possibility I can conjure up is that while the bike is parked, the front wheel has a mind of its own and it likes to roll away for fun. either way, while the owner did a great job using a mini u-lock to secure down his rear wheel and frame, they FAIL for locking up the front of the bike AND frame using only what we assume was, discounted packaging tape. anybody need their Mother's Day gift wrapped? NEXT!


is it me or does the bike on the right have a weird extra appendage? oh, what a second, that must be one of those front fenders to prevent crotch splotting, but this one appears to be bent and broken. what is crotch splotting? in my own world it is the kick-up of dirt or wet stuff from the ground and onto your crotch, hence, crotch splotting. it's always good to have protection before a date if you know what I mean. or it could simply be the front part of the fork and I am just a sick f*ck who really wanted to type out the word crotch a few times. anyways, Im hoping that it's owner took the front wheel inside w/ them, but am inclined to assume that they dumbfoundedly left it w/ the bike and some local delivery boy scored himself a nice, gently-used front tire. ok, now lets focus on the lock job on the left. good enough to make me squeal like a fake orgasm (did I just say that out loud?!). Im gonna give props to this cyclist for their amazing display in front of Paragon Sports earlier today. not only did they lock it up in the highest theft area of NYC, but they did a superb job locking it down by 1) using the u-lock in the front, 2) the chain in the back and frame and 3) the cable for the saddle. sure, they are carrying around what is equivalent to a 7-yr old boy on them while it isn't locked down, but at least they will have a strong core at the next round of beer pong. NEXT!